I find myself wanting to record every happy moment I spend with my son, knowing that it will never repeat and incredibly aware of how fast the time is flying; how easily the future becomes past. It is pure bliss when he stops in the middle of a feeding, as if having an epiphany, looks up at me and smiles...

On a different note, I keep thinking I should have studied art instead of architecture. I'd still be un-or-under-employed, but I would have enjoyed Berkeley so much more.

Imagine that...I sold a painting :) Somehow it seems so significant for my artist self, almost like it should feel getting their design built for an architect. Really cool...

paper bags

Итак, меня приняли в пионеры. То есть наоборот: мне предложили отречься от пионерских идеалов навеки в обмен на американское гражданство, что я и сделала. И не то чтобы здешние идеалы мне намного ближе - у меня вообще с идеалами напряжённые отношения. И не то чтобы меня распирало от американского патриотизму (очень даже не распирает), но назад, на рідну неньку, я не собираюсь, а жизнь немного легче с паспортом, чем без. Такі ото справи.
Церемония была жутко длинной и нудной. Почти 500 счастливых кандидатов на гражданство маялись вместе со мной, представляя 68 стран мира. Каждую страну торжественно объявили, и представители оной страны должны были подняться и посмотреть друг на друга. Я только пожимала плечами, когда вставали новозеландцы, британцы, бельгийцы и датчане. Чого вони тут забули, хто знає...Из моих со-когда-то-граждан були дві високі і в принципі гарні панни. Я аж вспомнила, что я, в общем-то, пані среднего роста %). А то тут с китайцами и мексиканцами я иногда чувствую себя Гулливером.

Or a whale. Definitely some kind of a marine mammal...And my legs are swollen and my belly is huge and I can't sleep at night and I'm so ready to have this baby. If nothing else, just to have it on the outside of me rather than inside.

I feel much better in water, of course.. Uh.

So...I haven't decided how exactly cool it is and what exactly good is in it for me but I got four of my paintings accepted into an art show. Let's see...would be nice if something sold, too, because now I have to nicely frame them and all...

Итак, мы доползли до семи с половиной месяцев. Свет в конце туннеля потихоньку наклёвывается. Не будем о грустном, а именно о процессе выхода из упомянутого туннеля. Будем лучше о том, как хорошо должно быть не таскать с собой огромное арбузоподобное пузо...как замечательно забыть об изжоге и как чудесно не работать. Начнутся, конечно, новые приключения, но это уже другая история, ребята.

 

how bad, how good does it need to get?
how many losses, how much regret?
what chain reaction would cause an effect?
what makes you turn around?
makes you try to explain?
makes you forgive and forget?
makes you change...

Did I mention we met Christian Bale? Same day TJ wrecked his bike. Which was more of an event, actually... Anyway, we went to the Willow Springs track somewhere north of LA about...three weeks ago? I was watching and taking pictures while everybody else was having fun. So...when we were signing in, there he was, Bale, all cool and aloof and signing in under some different name and refusing to sign a paper about their on-site photographers. He doesn't like photographers, you see :). All in black on a nice black bike. The funny thing is that I was looking at him and wrecking my brain to remember where I saw him before. Batman, you say? I dozed through it. I remembered the guy from the old Mio my Mio movie. Don't ask me why. I guess I've always liked coolish serious boys. It's like...there's a mystery to them. Something that makes them somewhat unsociable yet all the more appealing..

And yea, TJ did wreck. Not so bad and he was ok for the most part, more ok than the bike. Tore off one mirror, bent the footpeg and scratched the tank. There was a huge cloud of dust.

Okay. I may be sarcastic and pessimistic and depressed and whatever else. But.
Let's face it:

-my job sucks. Daily, I have to remind myself that I am supposed to feel lucky and grateful for HAVING A JOB and then I have to make myself forget that I have a degree in architecture from a rather prestigious school.

-I'm pregnant. This is a double-edged thing...Yea, I'm happy I have a kid growing in my belly, it is very special and I'm looking forward to meeting him and bringing him up. But...I've never in my life weighed as much as I do now (granted, I still look decent in ambient light and I'm not overweight or anything) or felt as unsexy. I am definitely not liking the idea of a labor and delivery. I wish kids still grew in cabbage or were delivered by storks and I wish I didn't have to go through all the metamorphoses that a pregnant woman goes through. Come on. I've never had dreams of being a blushing bride in a white dress; a happy home cook; or of being fat while joyfully expecting a baby just because the thought of babies makes me chuckle with delight. It doesn't.

-my marriage...is not currently going very smoothly either. My husband all but cheated on me while I was away. Technically, he didn't sleep with the girl (for all I know) but knowing other stuff still completely...pisses me off. And hurts. A lot. Anyway, there's a story but I won't go into it. Just the very fact that he dared. I wanted to go away for a while but, back to number one: the job. How funny.



I'm all I never wanted to be. 

you have no idea. We just had our two year anniversary and he just lied to me for four weeks in a row.

I read bad poetry
into your machine
I save your messages
just to hear your voice
You always listen carefully
to awkward rhymes
You always say your name
like I wouldn't know it's you
at your most beautiful


At my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes
secretly
With every one whisper I love you
I let you sleep
I know you're closed-eye watching me
listening
I thought I saw a smile

---

A most beautiful song.


Mood swings, I guess? I don't really know what I want anymore...Run away to New York? Hibernate until September? Quit my job and ignore the consequences? Et cetera...

божевільний.
загоїься мозок і знову ж
вийдеш -темно!-
собі відображень шукати.

щур-сновида,
ти зникнеш із теплого дому
через вікна і крізь
візерунчасті грати
далі, далі -
над криком, і болем, і горем
ти минеш
заспокоєний мудрістю ночі
будеш містом блукати
вогким і прозорим
у блискучі площини
вдивлятимеш очі
аж до ранку.

коли небо стане зеленим
й відіб'ється
очима задуманих вулиць -
гостролистим тоді
перекинешся кленом.

то надії тобі і дощі
повернулись.

Hubbybi went on a m/c trip to Chicago and I'm all alone. It's march and it's cold and snowy in the central states and I wouldn't want to be on the road on four wheels, much less on two. Ah well. Gather ye roses while ye may because come September and you won't be able to move for a while...He says I'm a good wife for letting him go on his trips. And I don't mind, as long as he comes home safe and sound...I want to go places too, but those are different places and you have to pay for plane tickets in order to get there :/

Finished one of my project management classes through AGC. It was different from the usual academic stuff and actually interesting for the most part. Next one doesn't look as promising, as it deals with contracts and construction documents. But it will make me smarter. Even smarter than I already am :):

I'm getting promoted at the job I'm looking forward to leaving in a couple of months. At least I'll have a chance to practice supervisory stuff that I learned in the PM class. Let's hope that architecture will be back in a better shape by the time I come back to it.

Ah, one more thing. I came to a conclusion that my cat is stupid ( actually, I came to the conclusion that all cats are stupid - but that is a completely unfounded generalizations, so..forget it). Ok. So, when a person is unable to learn (beyond the necessary skills of where to find food and where the bathroom is), this person is either mentally/developmentally challenged, or plain stupid. The cat is unable to learn (I am very grateful for his ability to find the litter box though)and he does not seem to have any developmental disorders. Thus, he is stupid. Forgive me all ye cat lovers.

I am getting really excited about this baby. I couldn't help laughing and feeling happy when I saw the little shrimp waving its arms on the ultrasound monitor. I can't believe it. You're six months away from being born and we already love you...

Those who know me (including my husband, oh the poor soul :)) know that I am definitely not the happy type of a girl whose life's ambition has always been to get married and have children. Now that I am going to have a kid, though, I feel the transformation happening. It's strange, scary, and exciting at the same time. It was definitely a good idea to give women nine months to get ready for whatever is coming...

Значіт ета.. Master Swarm by Andrew Bird:
 




Хробак бай Скрябін:
 



Як на мене, то шото тут є in common. Андрій Bird, Andrew Кузьма...

So..through NPR All Songs Considered podcasts, I found Andrew Bird to be interesting and just in case checked if he was playing anywhere close to here anytime soon. So he was. i checked on Thursday or Friday and the concert happened to be scheduled for Sunday. How good is that? :)

The place (SoMa) was packed and my poor pregnant self got dizzy, nauseated and short on breath...So we moved away from the stage and just stood (or sat) through the whole thing on the stairs near the exit and in convenient proximity to the bathrooms.

There was a Swedish opening band (Loney Dear) which, ahem, in my humble opinion, was something around okay. Fat Swedish boys should not wear tight pants. Even if they can play guitar and kinda sing.

Andrew Bird though was quite amazing. Anything but live performance doesn't do him justice. Like photocopies can't stand for an original painting (as long as we're talking about good paintings I guess...) Oh and the violin...And ah...the voice, very clear and crisp, just like his violin. As for lyrics...smells like Kafka and applied entomology :)
Oh yea! The socks. Bright green this time.