how bad, how good does it need to get?
how many losses, how much regret?
what chain reaction would cause an effect?
what makes you turn around?
makes you try to explain?
makes you forgive and forget?
makes you change...

Did I mention we met Christian Bale? Same day TJ wrecked his bike. Which was more of an event, actually... Anyway, we went to the Willow Springs track somewhere north of LA about...three weeks ago? I was watching and taking pictures while everybody else was having fun. So...when we were signing in, there he was, Bale, all cool and aloof and signing in under some different name and refusing to sign a paper about their on-site photographers. He doesn't like photographers, you see :). All in black on a nice black bike. The funny thing is that I was looking at him and wrecking my brain to remember where I saw him before. Batman, you say? I dozed through it. I remembered the guy from the old Mio my Mio movie. Don't ask me why. I guess I've always liked coolish serious boys. It's like...there's a mystery to them. Something that makes them somewhat unsociable yet all the more appealing..

And yea, TJ did wreck. Not so bad and he was ok for the most part, more ok than the bike. Tore off one mirror, bent the footpeg and scratched the tank. There was a huge cloud of dust.

Okay. I may be sarcastic and pessimistic and depressed and whatever else. But.
Let's face it:

-my job sucks. Daily, I have to remind myself that I am supposed to feel lucky and grateful for HAVING A JOB and then I have to make myself forget that I have a degree in architecture from a rather prestigious school.

-I'm pregnant. This is a double-edged thing...Yea, I'm happy I have a kid growing in my belly, it is very special and I'm looking forward to meeting him and bringing him up. But...I've never in my life weighed as much as I do now (granted, I still look decent in ambient light and I'm not overweight or anything) or felt as unsexy. I am definitely not liking the idea of a labor and delivery. I wish kids still grew in cabbage or were delivered by storks and I wish I didn't have to go through all the metamorphoses that a pregnant woman goes through. Come on. I've never had dreams of being a blushing bride in a white dress; a happy home cook; or of being fat while joyfully expecting a baby just because the thought of babies makes me chuckle with delight. It doesn't.

-my marriage...is not currently going very smoothly either. My husband all but cheated on me while I was away. Technically, he didn't sleep with the girl (for all I know) but knowing other stuff still completely...pisses me off. And hurts. A lot. Anyway, there's a story but I won't go into it. Just the very fact that he dared. I wanted to go away for a while but, back to number one: the job. How funny.



I'm all I never wanted to be. 

you have no idea. We just had our two year anniversary and he just lied to me for four weeks in a row.